Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Finally!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line