5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add