[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.