I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
How it started How it’s going
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.