Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.