Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
What?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium