Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
This is sending me to another galaxy
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close