If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.