You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.