*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Feels like the fourth month in January
Stop being racist to kettles.