“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.