Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.