My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!