Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?