If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Your secret is safeish with me
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go