I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Why are bridges so flammable.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!