“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Namaste
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Free him
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.