A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
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dutch is not a serious language
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.