*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”