I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.