Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping