My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
It’s an epidemic…
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
no one ever comes back
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I need to get some bricks…
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.