[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice