Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
some Old Testament wisdom
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Well, this explains it:
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“I’m helping” 😅
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm