“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I know
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
PLOT TWIST:
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.