me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.