If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Goodnight 🐶
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.