I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 馃槒
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Him: I can鈥檛 sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can鈥檛 sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don鈥檛 tempt me kid.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else鈥檚
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it鈥檚 at 2%?
Life with a cat in one tweet
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I鈥檓 gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don鈥檛 see how I鈥檒l ever use this in the real world.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I鈥檓 a creep, I鈥檓 a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It鈥檚 a cardigan.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If my grandfather were alive today he鈥檇 be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I鈥檓 too pretty for prison
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 馃槶
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat