People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
You Might Also Like
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Animal poetry
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My dress code is business-casualty.