A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.