Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down