My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s