From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.