Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.