The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.