My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
You Might Also Like
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.