[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Shortcut
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.