Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.