If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more