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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome