I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit