What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.