Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..ππ
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine Iβve got it
Itβs Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m confused about plants
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If you need a smile today, hereβs a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo πβ€οΈ
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: βwhatβs your blood type?β
βIβm probably a type Oβ, said the rabbit.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case sheβs after both of us*
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS οΌ΄ο½ο½ οΌ£ο½ο½ο½ο½ο½ο½ο½ οΌ°ο½ο½ο½ο½ο½ ο½ο½ οΌ·ο½ο½ο½ οΌ₯ο½ο½ο½ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I want to see a movie about βBottom Gun,β the worst pilots in the Navy.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.