“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Yup
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!