How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey