If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
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Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA