Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
asking santa clause for nudes
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
i love modern commerce
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.