I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
This makes total sense…
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me trying to look natural in photos
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.