I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I think I’ll stand
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Before & after 😅
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.