Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
#winning
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.